Bye Bye old days!!!

As I eagerly wait for the 'new days to come' to be marked by the coming of a New year 2011, I sit back and look in retrospection of the days to become 'bygones'. The enthusiasm, excitement and celebrations associated with the coming of of the new year re-affirms  the ending of what I called 'a remarkable year'. The decade to be gone was significant as that was the time that moulded me to be the person, that I am today. I helped me grow through helping me understand my 'own', people and environment better. Starting from making choice and deciding what I wanna pursue in life to going back Manipur for work to experiencing family hardships to passing through personal emotional turmoil, HUH! I guess I have been through it all and have done quiet well in managing it (all). When I look back I got no regret and today, I am able to accept that as part of the growing phase. I got no doubt now and feel grateful that I experienced what I experienced. Life is never a roller coaster ride and it will never be. Never. Trust me. If there was no right here would have been no left, no up then no down, no failure then no success, no negative then no positive, no hate then no love..U guys know better than me......The decade to the me has been special and it has left on me permanent  imprints ...on my grey cells....

Everybody around me is making plans for the new year 2011. OH! I prefer to call it 'unseen year; and not new year, as I wanna see it what it has in store for me. My friend 'Madhusudan' rightly said  that my grey cells look for newer thoughts and crazier ideas to get that orgasmic bliss that I have been getting since time unseen from my mental masturbation....So here I go again...I am waiting to unwrap the coming unseen with tinge of some personal touch to it...Happy New Year everybody....

Memoirs series (3rd and 4th October' 2006)

The bus ride is as usual- many thoughts lingering in my mind of what to expect and what not to expect. The cool breeze touches my skin as I keep the window little open and helps me stay awake on the way to Chandel (a hill district) in Manipur for work. The roadside is scenic as I see only green plants and trees- greenery of paddy fields, mountains and hills.  It stood strong and has everlasting imprint on my mind. I also had the book by Shobha De called the Spouse in my hands, flipping pages periodically. I have been reading it for ages.

The Bus suddenly stops. Everybody wondered what transpired, but learnt that Assam Rifles have halted all the vehicles. They claimed that they were attacked (supposedly attacked as they claimed) by elements known best to them. The first thing that came across my mind was- ‘Oh fuck!! Hope they do not start pulling people from the vehicles and start beating up. I thought it would not be a lucky day for any youth including me when such claims happened or actually happens. There were enough examples of their past misdeeds on similar instances or many occasions, by virtue of the power given under the Arm Forces Special Powers Act, 1958. Almost all the drivers of the public transport who had lined up were negotiating with the forces to allow the vehicles to pass through. They paid no attention and hence, the buses turned back including ours. We had to take another route.

I feel relieved when I reached my colleague’s place in a village called Khangshim at Kakching Lamkhai. It’s a small village inhabited mostly by small Naga tribe called the Khoibu. It also had small share of people from other communities. The village is full of activity and people worked hard for living. It’s always a good feeling to be seeing and learning other’s culture.  How often can one imagine the cohesiveness in existence especially when there are various dynamics moulding the societal orders and structures? Least we say about the vested interests, the better.

We took few bites and headed for our final destination, Chandel HQ. Oh God! The road was terrible. You could see the worst possible potholes of the world. Do believe me. The ride was difficult one as we did not get seats to sit. It’s a sad reality of pathetic conditions of hill districts in Manipur. I took up the challenge though. The road repair from Pallel to Chandel HQ seems to have been going on for ages too.

My idea of office is about innovation, and also about bringing some of the wonderful system that I had seen outside the state. Transparency has almost been very important for me and I tried living by that principle and setting examples for other colleagues. But the truth is I m working in Manipur and hardly anybody seems to have been acquainted with that word. Any issues you raised about the financial matters with people concerning finance in the department, you get vague answers and further you probed, it becomes personal. I am frustrated, desperate and sometimes want to open their brains and shout till my lungs blows that ‘I am there for no fun but for a purpose and to bring about a change’ (I did not like TISS as a place but still follow the certain principles it taught me).  The work do not provide me with much time and space to think whether what I do is right or wrong but all I know is I do it as it is my profession and it gives me a sense of satisfaction. I do not know if I am being hyper-sensitive to what I do and the people around but all I know is that if you are able to bring about some change in this ‘fucked up system’, then that’s an achievement.

I do understand that many officials in Manipur work under tremendous pressure but many a time it’s an exaggeration. On 4^th of every month when there is this monthly meeting at DC’s office chamber, I f***k’in see new faces every time coming to attend the meeting.  What is the purpose of the meeting anyways, everybody just talks- Assholes!!!. I thought rather than talking people should come down at the reality and do some action as action speaks more than words. I believe the DC has to show the way and lead by example. I was so bored to death that I escaped the meeting and performed a facility survey at the District Hospital, Chandel. It gave me immense satisfaction to be with those who really ran the show. There was nothing actually in the facility, and hence many columns remained empty.

What I understand of is that field and theories do go hand in hand but it’s always a mismatch. The reality is that ‘those who formulates theory has no ‘Balls’ to implement it at the field level and those who are involved in implementation at the field do not understand the theory. That’s where the gap creeps in and the public at large have to bear the brunt of these conflicts.

Manipur as a state has come a long way in terms of corruption, militancy, violence, unemployment, etc and it has taken decades to reach the state at its present form. It will again take the same number of decades to unwind the hard rooted ‘above mentioned issues’ from its face and restore sense to each one of its people. There are people who are content with the present fiasco and propagates further, but who bears the brunt------YOU and me and the People of Manipur.

'Voice within'- a true friend indeed!!!!

If it was not for you
I do not know what
I would have been today
What I would have been doing
U have been there all through out
The good times and the bad times
U always existed in me
U cannot be felt or be touched
But I always felt your presence
Through the words that u whispered
Softly through my sensory organs
Giving me feel of clarity and connectivity
Leading to momentary serene existence

If it was not for you
I would have been lost
In this wicked world
You gave me the courage to question the existence
You helped me to take decisions
You brought meaning to everyday existence
For if it was not you
I could have been a gangster
I could have been a drug user
I could been a militant
But you showed me the path
The path I am to take

For if it was not you
I would have not enjoyed
Spending time with myself
Not sing a song to myself
Not read a book to myself
Not enjoy the food I cook
Not pursue the passions
Be humane to other humane existent

The advice that u rendered
When I am about to take more pegs
The support that you provided
When I am about to fall off the ground
The reassurance that you provide
When things does not go my way
The confidence u instil when
I sit for an interview or an exam
The choice u helped me take
In persons I wanna be with
For if it was not you
I could have been of bizarre souless soul

For if it was not you
I would have been cursing my existence
But it's for you
That I exist today
As you have brought me so far
And will take me further
For forever I remain indebted in you
To the best friend 'The voice within'

My dear friend, please keep knocking on my inner doors when I am about to go ashtray.

(The views are personal)

'The Oneness'

Have one had a Relationship?
Have one wondered one's 'Relationship to existence'?
One's 'Togertherness in a Relationship'?
One's 'Solitute in a Relationship'?
Or 'Togetherness in a Relationship'?
Look back into one's past!
The place where one's relationships to
Outside world originated in one's lifetime!
The warmth of Mother's womb
The love through Motherly love
The pain through Motherly pain
Relationships had existed before one was born
To be able to build, break and rebuild it!
It was very inherent
Nobody needed anybody to teach
One did what was right
And established relationships with people
That mattered most and played roles
In shaping one's life
With Trees that gave air to breathe
With Animals that one loved and protected
With oneself, one's identity and 'ONENESS'
Relationships grew as one grew
Started giving names
That's when it got complex
For one friendship stood first
For one near and dear ones
For one with 'SELF'
For one with 'Vacuum'
For no one knew what lay ahead!
For one became dependent on friends
For one dear and near ones became a priority
For one gained self-awareness
For one remained detached
For one got tangled in relationships
But few ones stood against the testing times
As one grew in friendship
As one grew old with near and dear ones
As one grew in self-awareness
For one started beautiful family and a legacy!!
Where few ones remained unsuccessful!
For all those successful relationships
Have worked coz' of 'Togertherness and being wholesome'
Relationship with expectation
Can be disastrous
Relationship with dominance
Can be painful
Relationship with ignorance
Can be clueless
But relationship with love
Can be lasting
Relationship with protection
Can be fearless
Relationship with care
Can be on top of the world
Relationship with pain
Can be terrible
But relationship with pain and pleasure
Can be enjoyable
So grow and blossom in one's relationships
And preserve ones that adds values to one's life
But never get caught on wrong footing
In reliving one's past relationships
Rather seek lessons and build on
The newer relationships to come
Move on from one's past relationships
As it lock one's doors to relationships
With people that may matter to one 'The most'
Or else one loses touch with self and humanity
Or one become existent without meaning
As life is so short to be tangled in ONENESS!!!

(The views are personal reflections)!!!!!

Random thoughts!!!

When I was about to shift out of Manipur to Guwahati, my mind was filled with endless number of thoughts; thoughts of adjustment to new environment, new job, finding a place to stay, etc etc...But today if you ask me, I have done pretty well in terms of everything...i have found some good frens among colleagues and a place to chill out at a place called GAGAAN apartment (courtesy: Dilip singh) . Guwahati has treated me well so far and my boy (Classic 350 Royal Enfield) will soon join me on my verge to unwind this region.

Over a period of time I have realized the importance of being present in one's present, one's life cycle and staying connected with external factors. Importance of living one day at a time; living to its fullest and bringing in more meaning to it by reaching out to more and more people and being a catalyst for life changing processes in other lives. Afterall, everybody dreams of having a fulfilled death one day or the other, me included.

When I take a snapshot of my life (past and current days), I feel more relaxed and am able to discover many facets of myself whenever I get a chance to do that during weekends. I like spending time to myself and it really helps me connect with the so called 'self' underlying within me, though the thoughts tries to get out of my grip, only at times...you eat what you like to eat to make you happy, you get bored for yourself and no one else, you sleep tight when you want to, you want to love someone for yourself and not for others...the mantra is being present in oneself and being at the moment, heart and soul.

Last few days, I was on tour to Meghalaya in parts of West Khasi Hills and Jaintia Hills. I have never travelled to Meghalaya in so much detail and with so much feeling of belongingness to this region. I guess that came very naturally as i have studied my three beautiful childhood years in this part of the region. In a sense, I was revisiting my past filled with much expectations and hopes.

Shillong, the capital city (Scotland of East) still stands unshaken, preserved in its mouth watering beauties, natural vegetation, the famous Maruti taxis and buzzling sounds of people. The city has developed at a very fast pace and can confidently say that it is 'the next town boy after Guwahati (among capitals in NE region)'. The booze are cheap here too. Even the sight of 'War's lake' in the middle of the city is enough to awake a person from his sleepy existence and instill a sense of love for the place.

The roads connecting West Khasi Hills and Jaintia Hills from Shillong were quiet different and had something unique about each of the roads. However, I enjoyed the road to Jaintia Hills as it was more straight, took lesser time and also had my old school on the way (got few snapshots). The sight on either side of the road, however, remains breathtaking.

During my trip to Jaintia Hills, Meghalaya we visited quite a number of health facilities ranging from Sub centres to Civil Hospital. Every level of the health facility provided us in-depth knowledge of the prevailing health conditions/status of the people, quality of services being provided, involvement of local authorities for better management of health programmes and so on. And I would not say, it is very much different from the health facilities in the rest of the NE region. The health infrastructure (whatever was existent) was well maintained though.
People were very kind wherever we went, served us to the best of food, followed by kwai (local paan). I connected really well with the people around. I guess I was able to do that as I was from this side of the region (added by my friendly nature with people).

We saw that the quality of health services still have to permeate at the field level (peripheral regions). For example, the load at Civil hospital was really high whereas it was negligible in some health facilities. In most instances, the load gets added up due to referrals from peripheral region due to inability to provide the required service or non existent of such service.
In some cases, the home deliveries was conducted by the relatives of the delivering women and was quite obvious as seen from the Auxiliary Nurse Midwives' register. Nobody dared thought about the safety of these women and their new borns? We have to realize that we are living in 2010 (Gone are those days). It is just one example from many such examples and hardships that people living in far flung areas have to encounter on daily basis. The India's vision to effective decentralization (power to make decisions locally) on aspects of health is yet to be seen in true spirit. I hope with years to come people will become more aware, start questioning the system about one's health rights and take charge of their own health situations locally. Otherwise, we may never be able to achieve the MDGs.
I,too, form a part of this section of society who lend voice for the unheard vocies to be heard.

I say there are four types of people in this world:
1. People work or be part of the system to bring a change in the system.
2. People work or be part of the sytem to get absorbed in the system.
3. People work or be part of the system to give up from the system.
4. People who dare not get into the sytem due to various reasons.


The choice is yours!!!! Choose one!!!

Can we sit back?

I still remember the day when I returned to Manipur with much expectations and hopes and with the zeal of sacrificing myself for a cause i.e. development of Manipur in the context of public health. Who will have thought that a small town boy from unknown locality who have spend much of his academic life outside the state will come back to re-live to discover his roots. The thoughts of working and fear sensed when I learnt that I was going to be posted at Chandel district would forever remain planted on my mind. My conscience, from to time, whispered into my ears to quit and never to take up the challenge of working in Chandel district as it (Chandel) was thought to be a difficult place to work in. It was a difficult period in my life as I underwent deep introspection and thrased out issues within self, questioned my value system and beliefs and wondered whether to take up the challenge or shy away. I chose the former. And today when I look back 'I do not regret for having made that choice'. I believe we have to do away with our preconceived notions and biases before having undergone a particular experience by ourselves and never judge a situation by what we hear from others until 'seen by your own very eyes'. Too much of false perceptions will sometimes lead to false reality.
Working in Chandel district have taught me some very important lessons in life to live together in peace and harmony, be content and make best use of what you have today, how unique each of us are and most importantly-how separated the place and its people from inclusiveness of development. With the motto of 'partnership and ownership' under the umbrella concept of 'decentralization' being propagated by various government developmental schemes in the state, we will have to critially see how far the concept will be translated into reality, given the manifold problems of insurgency, threats, percentage deduction, unhealthy nexus among parties, insincere goverment officials (some) and last but not the least-low clarity of scheme guidelines by policy implementers. It is time for these people to realize that they can no longer play with lives of thousands/lakhs/millions in the name of development and ensure that they provide basic amenities needed by virtue of being a human being, moreso for people living in remotest areas. It's time that these people (with due respect to all babus) to mend their ways before they be at the receiving end of collective outburst or have they crossed that stage wherein everything is left to destiny??
At this important juncture, we cannot sit back but to contribute to the change processes. Can you?
For better tomorrow and for generations to come, we pledge you to take start taking responsibility at your own level (Start cleaning your house before you say other's house is dirty).